"This is Eva, she helped us out with our passes to get in the conference,” my editor told me. I was working freelance as a photographer on a small team at a bi-annual trade show almost three years ago. For some reason, the trade show organizers had not given us press credentials, so Eva, who owns a business attending the show, registered for us to get access as honorary employees of the shop. It was a surprise to be introduced to Eva—because from its inception, the store’s founder and owner was named Mike. And in the years since I hadn’t paid any attention, Mike transitioned to become Eva, with whom I was now working.

Suddenly an abstract debate in the culture wars about gender identity became a flesh-and-blood reality for me to contend with. What was the correct way as a Christian to interact with Eva? How was I to maintain integrity in my beliefs while treating Eva with the dignity and respect due to any human being? Moreover, how would I navigate the professional relationship we had that week, as a working partner on the same team? And more to the point—would I say “she” and “her” to refer to Eva? I had to answer all these questions, not in a theoretical essay written with time to reflect, but in real time on the fly through my behavior.

The staff at Compass Check encourages you to seek guidance on how to navigate these types of situations in conversations with your parents, pastor, elders and others in the Church. To help with that, a few questions for discussion are included at the end of this article.

What are the right answers from the Bible?

Recently a friend of mine asked me if we’d published any articles covering the topic of pronouns in Compass Check. When I said we hadn’t covered that specifically¹, and he explained the reason for his question, we launched into an hour-long conversation among the five of us who were together. The discussion centered on whether it’s okay for a Christian to use someone’s changed pronouns. Although my experience working with Eva had been more than two years prior, I still hadn’t thought through the nuances of this topic. In that conversation among us five, one other was undecided like me, so he and I peppered the other three with questions to discover the contours of this issue. Let me walk you through two basic points of view on the matter held by many in the Church.

On one side, some Christians believe you should not use the changed pronouns of someone who has transitioned genders. Their reasoning is that to do so would be to affirm a falsehood. As followers of God, we must never bear false witness (Exodus 20:16), but if we choose to say “she” to refer to a person we can plainly assess was born as a man, we are making a choice to ignore the truth and repeat a lie. In their view, it would be akin to agreeing with a bulimic that he or she is indeed fat, when the truth is that they are clearly unhealthily thin. Gender dysphoria, like bulimia, is a real and very harmful disorder that causes immense emotional suffering in people, and when acted upon (in the form of surgery or other medical interventions) causes physical harm, some which may be irreversible. In that way, it is more than just a falsehood, but a monstrously damaging falsehood that does real harm to the person.

Other Christians believe that to use someone’s preferred pronoun out of respect, so as not to offend them in a personal, professional or academic setting, is not an affirmation of a falsehood, but rather an accommodation to the reality of living in a world broken by sin. While we exercise righteous judgment, discerning from God’s Word that a transgender lifestyle is sin, the god of this age, Satan (2 Corinthians 4:4), has deceived the whole world. And it is God’s role to judge people outside of the faith for their sinful lifestyles, not ours (1 Corinthians 5:13). Using their new pronouns would be akin to using the word “wife” for a woman married to another woman—even though we know that marriage is an institution from God, and a union between two of the same sex is a perversion not fitting of the word “marriage.” We all long for the day when God will restore a morally pure language to all peoples (Zephaniah 3:9); until then, we deal as best we can.

In preparing this article, I spoke to several who have experience in dealing with the issue in various roles—teachers, elders, counselors and individuals who have transgender family members. One point of agreement amongst virtually everyone is that using someone’s changed name is not problematic. The reason is that people change names, go by nicknames, or get called different names all the time, and even names we think of as strongly gendered one way or another might not be in a different region, language or culture. (For instance, Michael in French is Michel—which sounds to English-speaking ears like “Michelle.”)

Speaking with courage, firmly grounded in faith

When you encounter a person who is presenting as a different gender than their biological sex, what’s your frame of mind in dealing with them? Is it fear? Apprehension? Disgust? Pity? Amusement?

A mentor and friend of mine who works for a major tech company recounted to me a recent experience of his. Flown in for a team-building/meet-and-greet session to company headquarters, at one point he was in a small group of colleagues for an hour-long trivia activity. In the group was one flamboyantly presenting individual who specified the pronouns “they/them.” My friend did everything in his power to act cool, and not make it weird, which he said resulted in a huge mental load, as he became extremely self-conscious about everything he said so as not to offend. Despite his best efforts to self-police, he noticed a clear drain of enthusiasm and engagement from the other person over the course of their hour together. He couldn’t help but wonder if it was because of something he’d said.

Based on a poll on the Compass Check Instagram account, his experience sounds common—66% of you who responded said you are not comfortable interacting with someone who is transgender or has changed their pronouns. Given the caustic nature of the debate around this issue in the culture wars, it makes sense that we’d have some apprehension in these situations.

Here are a few reminders that will hopefully stiffen your resolve as a Christian navigating a tough world.

• Mankind is created in the image of God, both male and female (Matthew 19:4). That carries down to you and me today. We are born male or female by God’s design. This is the correct view from which to frame a response.
• We know Satan has subtly made something that is sinful seem acceptable.  The Bible clearly defines things like homosexuality, cross dressing, transgender and all associated behaviors as sin (Leviticus 18:22; Deuteronomy 22:5; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10; Revelation 22:14-15). We should understand such sins deny the natural order of life as created by God. Paul clearly shows this in Romans 1:26.
• Our value as a person derives solely from God’s love for us, expressed through Christ’s sacrifice and His completing a work in us (Philippians 1:6). When faced with challenges to our beliefs, we can be grounded in confidence no matter how others might treat us. We know the truth, and nothing can shake our conviction in God’s sovereignty over all creation forever.
• When we consider the loving kindness that God has for each and every person, and His desire for all to be reconciled to Him (2 Peter 3:9), we can have compassion for the suffering and confusion so many are experiencing.
• When we consider the hope we hold dear of the time when “the Lamb who is in the midst of the throne will shepherd them and lead them to living fountains of waters. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes” (Revelation 7:17), we can be joyful that one day God will lift the veil from their minds (2 Corinthians 4:1-4).

In every interaction, a sincere heart motivated by these beliefs will make fear and discomfort melt away. While some might discover your Christian views and denounce you no matter how you treat others, stay true to the authentic attitude that animated Jesus’ ministry during His earthly life. “‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:20-21).

A couple practical tips for real life

In my experience with Eva, the issue of whether to use pronouns, or not, mostly didn’t come up. And if you think about it, that makes sense. One-on-one, you say “you” to the person you’re talking to, or their name. Only when you mention them in the third person to someone else does it come up. Those group settings, like my friend’s work function where the person is right there in the group, are the most difficult. I asked everybody I talked to for ideas on how they handle this, and there was one simple strategy that almost everybody mentioned: Just use the person’s given name instead of a pronoun. And in this article, you may have noticed that’s exactly what I’ve done every time I’ve referred to Eva.

In a prolonged scenario, that’s going to become somewhat noticeable and may begin to feel awkward. So, another idea is to invent obviously silly and jokey nicknames—something playful and fun, not insulting. In a group discussion, like a school project, it might sound like, “Yeah that’s what this chuck-a-luck over here was just saying . . .” That might not be within your normal personality. When the person is absent and you’re talking to others about them, I’d suggest just sticking with their given name.

Finally, while this is the most fraught advice to follow, I suggest simply having the conversation with the person if it’s someone you’re around a lot because of common circumstances. Let them know (with the sincerity, confidence and compassion discussed above) that you feel most comfortable just using their name when talking about them, whether in their presence or otherwise. If they become confrontational, insisting you call them by a pronoun that doesn’t match their sex, it’s perfectly acceptable to say, “Sorry, I’m not comfortable with that.”

One of the main aspects of the calling you have as a Christian called out of this world by God is to use biblical wisdom, the Law of God, and the teachings of Jesus and the apostles as your guide to develop the mind of Christ. That means learning to work through the real challenges of this world with the conviction of the gospel motivating your every behavior, and to shine the light of God in the darkness of this age. There is no direct “thou shalt” command about gender pronouns—but the teachings and narratives of the Bible definitely provide wisdom in discerning how best to approach those you encounter on the transgender spectrum.

The apostle James said that true religion is to live in the world while remaining unspotted by it (James 1:27). We can approach that calling with trepidation or we can live boldly by faith. In His final moments with His disciples before His death, Jesus encouraged them, saying: “In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). As you think prayerfully on this topic in discussion with your parents and other Christian mentors, seek to find conviction in what it would look like for you to be the best advocate for the gospel to those you come into contact with. And as we encounter all manner of people whose hearts and minds need the light of God to shine in them, let us be that light, showing the fruits of God’s work in us. And in so doing, let us fulfill our calling, and let us “boldly say: ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear’” (Hebrews 13:6).

In considering this topic, here are a few questions to perhaps discuss with your parents:

• How do you handle talking to those who have changed their gender? Do you call a former “he” a “she”? If so, do you struggle with doing so?
• Jesus spent time with people who were known sinners (Mark 2:15). How might He handle talking to someone who is transgender?
• In the Millennium, if you are working with someone suffering from gender dysphoria, where would you start your conversation?
• We’d love to hear your feedback about your discussions! Please feel free to share with us at compasscheck@ucg.org.